Social Anxiety

So i know i said i had social anxiety in my first post but haven't talked about mainly because i don't really go into social situations. Let me state first of all that i have no friends. I have never had a close friend in my life and my "friends" in high school, i truly believe were using me. So it's not like i can call someone up and say hey I'm bored lets do something. Nobody to do it with. Not that i can go many places. And the other sad thing is, i'm used to being alone. It's the norm for me.

I'm 22 and have never been to a bar, or a club. They terrify me. I am convinced people are laughing at me, talking about me. I hear people laughing and i KNOW its about me. Even if they are across a room, i know it's about me. Those thoughts almost suffocate me, to the point where it feels like there is no air. My mind retreats in on itself and i just go numb to protect myself. It sucks.

On the other hand I'm convinced someone in a bar or club would try to hurt me, kill me, rape me. Everyone is a suspect in my mind. I don't trust people. Hell, i don't trust people i know, let alone strangers. So as you can imagine, it's insanely hard to meet people.

I mean i don't know if i will ever have a friend. I'm still at a loss as to how I'll ever get married. I'm 22 freakin years old, I've never had a boyfriend, or a kiss. It's sad. But even if i could meet someone, how would i ever be able to trust them? I don't know if i could. Sometimes i don't even trust my parents. I mean i used to check my cups because i was afraid they'd poisoned them! I mean how sick is that? In my mind, in the sane part anyways, i know its ridiculous but that lil' part that says otherwise is just enough to fuck me up.

Sigh, well I've depressed myself enough for one day lol. I will ask one semi-funny question to those of you who read this. Does anyone else with social anxiety find shy people annoying? lol. I think we need crazy outgoing people in our lives to pull us out of that shell. Or maybe it's just me. Until next time!