messed up

Hi guys. So I'll delve a little into the GAD stuff here for a moment since something happened today that caused a big panic attack. My mother, father, and myself were out at dinner and i guess before that the parents had been with friends who were mad at my dad that he was overweight and not doing anything to get healthy. So at dinner my mom says "so how much life insurance do you have now?" And she asked it quite a few times and wouldn't let up. So of course being as fucked up as my idiot brain is, i go to the out there thoughts.

My first thought was "she plans to kill him" which comes from NO WHERE. They love each so much it's sickening. I mean seriously they're like high school kids sometimes. But that is where my mind goes. And i told her to stop but she didn't listen. So i know at this point without a doubt i will not be able to trust her for at least a few weeks, maybe more. And then since we're going on a cruise next week, I'll be worried the whole time about my dad on the boat which sucks because i worry about my 18 year old brother on the boat getting hurt all the time so i try to stay up until he comes in the door.

And then in the car ride home, my mum was getting on my dad about his weight again and he was joking (which he does) and she got out of the car and instead of going straight ( where the garage is ) she heads right towards the front door, which isn't open. And i just freak. All those insane thoughts just fire off and I'm convinced she's done something to the car and is walking away from the car so she doesn't get hurt. I mean i had to jump out of the car and have myself a fan-fuckin-tastic panic attack FOR NO FUCKING REASON!

I mean i get annoyed with myself for thinking it and annoyed with my mom for still saying it knowing how i think and at the same time all i can think about is my dad dying and i feel bad for my mom that I'm thinkingthis about her. But i just can't help it. It's like a god-damn tumor attached to my common sense that just fires out asinine idiotic thoughts that get stuck there and don't go away. Sigh. It's a shitty way to live but i don't have a choice.