My "good" night

Welcome back! So i think I'll give you guys ( I'll never say y'all even though i moved to NC where its a requirement ) a bit of insight into my night last night which was a GOOD night by my convoluted standards. So I'm not sure if i mentioned but i have, and have had since all this started at 7, a huge fear of choking. Throat closing up, unable to breath, passing out and no one finding me until I'm dead fear. Although i try to stand when i have this issue so when i fall, I'll make a huge thump and people will hear. No seriously. Where was i, ah yes, my insanity. :)

Last night i was taking my pills ( i take meds for anxiety although they don't help all that much but trust me it's way worse without ) and i got to the first pill which happens to be the largest. Not like, holy crap this is the size of a small animal large, like Advil large. But i have an issue with big pills because of the swallowing. It took me YEARS to be able to swallow Advil. Ever see a girl go through a whole bottle of Advil and not swallow one? Very amusing after the fact. Sorry, lost the train there. So i go to take the pill, swallow and it feels like it gets stuck in my throat. Now I'm sure EVERYONE has swallowed a pill that was a little rough going down, but for me my mind processes it differently.

My first thought is, holy crap, I'm going to choke. When that doesn't happen but the feeling remains, i think ok it's stuck in my throat and I'm still going to choke. Apparently i think my throat has custom shelves inside that can hold things. My red blood cells have knick knacks i guess. So i swallow my other pills hoping it will push the pill down. Now in my mind i KNOW it's not stuck. But this little part of my brain says "what if it is" and that's what gets me every time. That "what if this time it's real" voice. So i freak out for around 40 minutes, swallow lots of water and have a mint hoping it will be ok. Obviously i was but this is what i go through. Hell, typing this now my throat is getting tight.

This was a good night though, I'd say comparatively. I thought someone had broken into our house when i heard a door slam ( big fear here that they will come in and kill me ) but once i heard my brother's door close i was better. Although my FIRST thought was the "intruder" was going to get my brother. I'm more afraid of someone breaking in and hurting them or getting me in my sleep. Because my anxiety flys out a window when it comes to them. I'll let you in on a secret : i have a plan for a robber.

No seriously i do, my stand up lamp in my room has a heavy base and it would be my weapon of choice if someone really did try to break in. Ok well, i think this rant has gone on longer than i wanted it to, until next time, keep sane :).