Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Why I'm Dying
So I've had a hard time getting back into the blog, mostly because I'm just finding it hard to write and also that I'm not totally sure anyone is even reading it. But this has been really bugging me the past few days and i feel like i just need to write this for me. So here's my problem, and I'm being kind of open here, but, I've had a dull pain in my breast for about a year now. For someone like me, this is scary as hell. Every time i get it, i wonder what it could be. However, it always seemed tied to my period. A hormonal thing. Plus i had it checked out six months ago and i was told by the doctor it was nothing.
Problem 1: I don't trust doctors. People sue all the time for malpractice and misdiagnosis. Who says she couldn't have been wrong? Problem 2 : The past two months, it's been continuous, and not hormonally based as far as i can tell.
Here's the big issue here. I've already concluded it's breast cancer. Not only that but since it's been six months or so since i first noticed it, I'm positive it's in the later stages and i have months left. I'm not being dramatic either here. I was watching a preview for a movie and my first thought was "wow I'd like to see that but I'm not sure I'll be alive then." Or I'm making a list of upcoming books and thinking, jeez i hope I'm cognoscente enough at that point what with all the chemo to read it.
I mean my thoughts all night last night were the pros and cons of using my last months trying chemo or just dying at home. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND I'M CONVINCED I'M DYING. Do you know how scary that is? To honestly believe you're dying. I'm sitting here thinking about who will take care of my dog, and what i want people to come to my funeral in.
And this isn't an abnormal occurrence. This happens at least every week where i go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this feeling. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel death always breathing down my neck. I don't want to be scared all the time. I hate this. I want someone to just take it away and make me normal and sane but i don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm sorry, i may finish this post later but i just can't write at the moment.
Problem 1: I don't trust doctors. People sue all the time for malpractice and misdiagnosis. Who says she couldn't have been wrong? Problem 2 : The past two months, it's been continuous, and not hormonally based as far as i can tell.
Here's the big issue here. I've already concluded it's breast cancer. Not only that but since it's been six months or so since i first noticed it, I'm positive it's in the later stages and i have months left. I'm not being dramatic either here. I was watching a preview for a movie and my first thought was "wow I'd like to see that but I'm not sure I'll be alive then." Or I'm making a list of upcoming books and thinking, jeez i hope I'm cognoscente enough at that point what with all the chemo to read it.
I mean my thoughts all night last night were the pros and cons of using my last months trying chemo or just dying at home. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND I'M CONVINCED I'M DYING. Do you know how scary that is? To honestly believe you're dying. I'm sitting here thinking about who will take care of my dog, and what i want people to come to my funeral in.
And this isn't an abnormal occurrence. This happens at least every week where i go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this feeling. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel death always breathing down my neck. I don't want to be scared all the time. I hate this. I want someone to just take it away and make me normal and sane but i don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm sorry, i may finish this post later but i just can't write at the moment.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill
I thought today I'd post on my view on anti-anxiety medications. First off let me say, i do not think someone who has had long term serious anxiety since childhood can function to a level that is on track with everyone else without medication. The route of anxiety, and ocd is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's neurons firing wrong. While therapy is also needed, and you CAN re-train how your brain thinks, i do not believe it is possible to even get to a place where you are able to have a polite chat with your brain to say SHAPE UP without medication. Hope that made sense.
So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.
I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).
Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.
I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.
It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.
So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.
I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).
Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.
I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.
It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Plane ( and not so ) Simple Truth
So i recently made a trip by airline from North Carolina to Boston. Now for someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, airports are hell. Takeoff is hell. The flight itself is more purgatory than hell. Landing is hell. And the airport, again, is hell. So needless to say, I'm not a good flyer.
Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.
Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.
Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.
Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.
Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.
Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.
As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.
Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.
Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.
Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.
Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.
Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.
Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.
Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.
As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.
Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
OCD on TV
So i wanted to do something a little lighter today ( relative to the other posts ) so i wanted to touch on how the media has impacted how the general public looks at OCD, and anxiety disorders. I think it first started with the show Obsessed that came on a few years back. It mostly covered people who had more "classic" OCD cases such as people who had to always be clean, or people who had to tap, but it did showcase a few less known symptoms.
Recently a lot of specials have come on air that discuss phobias and obsessions and anxieties. I recall one on a few weeks ago that discussed someone with Emetophobia which is a fear of vomiting. I actually do have that. I am constantly afraid that i will throw up at the slightest hint of a stomach ache and a lot of my panic attacks at night or driving do involve that fear.
When i was younger, maybe 10 or so, i spent a year sleeping on my parents' floor because it was close to their bathroom and i was terrified of vomiting. It was the first time i ever went to a psychologist as well because it was becoming impossible for me to sleep at night due to this fear.
Well back on track here, TV shows. The plus side to these shows is exposure. People get to see inside lives of people with these disorders and how much it impacts their daily, even hourly, lives and what they have to overcome to simply be "normal". At first watching these i was so happy that FINALLY someone was showing what we put up with. And also, that i wasn't alone. And then they brought in the psychiatrists.
In twelve weeks, they were cured. Seriously? Twelve weeks. Three months. For serious anxiety and obsessive compulsive conditions. They did exposure therapy and OH! All better. I was pissed. First off, I've been dealing with anxiety for 18 years and I'm not better. Not even close.
Second, they didn't even give them medications! Anxiety is a chemical imbalance. No way can those people be that much better without it. It's next to impossible.
And third, do you know how much it would cost for those people to come to your house to do those exposures? Money most of us don't have. I'm talking a couple grand for a consultation and 300 or so for an appointment of 50 minutes.
So the real issue is, do people watching these shows believe people with OCD or anxiety disorders just need twelve weeks of therapy to get better? To live normally? Is that the impression this is sending? Because it's a BATTLE to be "normal". And twelve weeks? Not nearly enough time.
Recently a lot of specials have come on air that discuss phobias and obsessions and anxieties. I recall one on a few weeks ago that discussed someone with Emetophobia which is a fear of vomiting. I actually do have that. I am constantly afraid that i will throw up at the slightest hint of a stomach ache and a lot of my panic attacks at night or driving do involve that fear.
When i was younger, maybe 10 or so, i spent a year sleeping on my parents' floor because it was close to their bathroom and i was terrified of vomiting. It was the first time i ever went to a psychologist as well because it was becoming impossible for me to sleep at night due to this fear.
Well back on track here, TV shows. The plus side to these shows is exposure. People get to see inside lives of people with these disorders and how much it impacts their daily, even hourly, lives and what they have to overcome to simply be "normal". At first watching these i was so happy that FINALLY someone was showing what we put up with. And also, that i wasn't alone. And then they brought in the psychiatrists.
In twelve weeks, they were cured. Seriously? Twelve weeks. Three months. For serious anxiety and obsessive compulsive conditions. They did exposure therapy and OH! All better. I was pissed. First off, I've been dealing with anxiety for 18 years and I'm not better. Not even close.
Second, they didn't even give them medications! Anxiety is a chemical imbalance. No way can those people be that much better without it. It's next to impossible.
And third, do you know how much it would cost for those people to come to your house to do those exposures? Money most of us don't have. I'm talking a couple grand for a consultation and 300 or so for an appointment of 50 minutes.
So the real issue is, do people watching these shows believe people with OCD or anxiety disorders just need twelve weeks of therapy to get better? To live normally? Is that the impression this is sending? Because it's a BATTLE to be "normal". And twelve weeks? Not nearly enough time.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Happy Birthday?
So i feel like this post is going to be just me venting but it was either this post or the post about why suicide is NOT the answer and frankly I'm not in the mood to talk about that. Granted this post isn't upbeat either but it's not "planned to jump off a roof at 8 years old" bad. So my 25th birthday is on Thursday. And i hate that. It's not an age thing either. I'm going to be 25. Pretty young i think.
However, i have to look at what I've accomplished in the past 25 years. Nothing. A 1/4 of my life, wasted on thoughts of death and despair and illnesses i don't have. In fact, thinking about it, I've come up with few ideas for postings thinking of what i HAVEN'T accomplished. I've never had a boyfriend. At 25. I've never had a kiss. At 25. I couldn't even finish college thanks to anxiety. I'm not even marginally close to where anyone wants to be in their mid twenties. And I'd love to say "I'm still young enough to go back to school and get a degree." Financially possible? Yes. Intellectually possible? Yes. Mentally possible? No.
It also brings to light something that bothers me even more. I have one friend who gives a crap it's my birthday. My last birthday party was at 16. The people who were invited were "friends" who mostly used me for my parents' money and not for who i was. On my 21st birthday, i had dinner out with my parents ( whom i love dearly) but not with friends. There was no one to get me my first drink but the people who gave birth to me, and therefore were obligated to watch me take a sip of an alcoholic drink i had no intention of actually drinking. But it's the point of the thing. I was thinking too, looking at some one's facebook page on their birthday. Pages of well wishes. I may get 4 people who notice and only because it pops up in the sidebar. I mean, it's just sad. On my actual birthday? I'm having dinner with the twins i nanny for. What's sadder? It may be the best I'm going to get for a while and I'm excited about it. Anyway, thanks for listing to my venting. Stay sane.
However, i have to look at what I've accomplished in the past 25 years. Nothing. A 1/4 of my life, wasted on thoughts of death and despair and illnesses i don't have. In fact, thinking about it, I've come up with few ideas for postings thinking of what i HAVEN'T accomplished. I've never had a boyfriend. At 25. I've never had a kiss. At 25. I couldn't even finish college thanks to anxiety. I'm not even marginally close to where anyone wants to be in their mid twenties. And I'd love to say "I'm still young enough to go back to school and get a degree." Financially possible? Yes. Intellectually possible? Yes. Mentally possible? No.
It also brings to light something that bothers me even more. I have one friend who gives a crap it's my birthday. My last birthday party was at 16. The people who were invited were "friends" who mostly used me for my parents' money and not for who i was. On my 21st birthday, i had dinner out with my parents ( whom i love dearly) but not with friends. There was no one to get me my first drink but the people who gave birth to me, and therefore were obligated to watch me take a sip of an alcoholic drink i had no intention of actually drinking. But it's the point of the thing. I was thinking too, looking at some one's facebook page on their birthday. Pages of well wishes. I may get 4 people who notice and only because it pops up in the sidebar. I mean, it's just sad. On my actual birthday? I'm having dinner with the twins i nanny for. What's sadder? It may be the best I'm going to get for a while and I'm excited about it. Anyway, thanks for listing to my venting. Stay sane.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Relationship, Relationship, Who's Got a Relationship?
So I've been writing down a few different ideas for what to write here and first off if anyone reading this would like me to cover a certain topic, or has a question, PLEASE feel free to send it to me. Now on to the topic at hand... This is really hard for me to write, i think because it's something that i have a hard time imagining changing. So here it is, i have never had a boyfriend. I have been on a total of five first dates and no second dates. My first date EVER was when i was 22, 3 years ago. I have never been kissed, never shared an intimate hug, never felt any connection beyond "holy crap he's hot" with the opposite sex.
It sucks because i want what other people have. I want an awkward first kiss story from high school. A crazy date night story from college. Hell, an ex-boyfriend story! But i don't. I find as i get older, i notice how strange that is even more. And I'm at the age where people are getting married, having families, and granted I'm not an old maid, but I'm horribly jealous of it.
The problem, or problems, i should say, are that 1. i have social anxiety which makes dating insanely hard because i can't approach a guy or be myself around one or even meet one since i don't go out. 2. i have general anxiety so even when i do get a date which is rare, I'm convinced they are out to get me. And i mean kill me out to get me by the way. Imagine your nerves on a first date compounded by the ever present thought that they are GOING to murder or hurt you. 3. i have no self esteem. I'm convinced I'm ugly and unattractive in every other way. And i don't try to better myself in that respect because i don't feel I'm worthy of it and that it will also confirm that it's just me.
It sucks, it does. And then, added to the fact that I've never kissed a guy, half of me is afraid that the guy is passing on some deadly disease to me ( usually my mind goes to HIV ) by kissing me. It just makes the prospect of it uncomfortable.
I want a husband, i want kids, i want a family, but i don't know if i will ever get it. And I'm terrified I'm going to settle because I'm desperate for it. I mean, you watch those people on the Obsessed shows and shows about anxiety and they have husbands and kids, and frankly, i get angry. Why them? Why not me? Am i so unlovable? I honestly don't know but it bothers me every day... I may write more on this another time, but it's getting a little blury over here...damn tears. Stay sane everybody.
It sucks because i want what other people have. I want an awkward first kiss story from high school. A crazy date night story from college. Hell, an ex-boyfriend story! But i don't. I find as i get older, i notice how strange that is even more. And I'm at the age where people are getting married, having families, and granted I'm not an old maid, but I'm horribly jealous of it.
The problem, or problems, i should say, are that 1. i have social anxiety which makes dating insanely hard because i can't approach a guy or be myself around one or even meet one since i don't go out. 2. i have general anxiety so even when i do get a date which is rare, I'm convinced they are out to get me. And i mean kill me out to get me by the way. Imagine your nerves on a first date compounded by the ever present thought that they are GOING to murder or hurt you. 3. i have no self esteem. I'm convinced I'm ugly and unattractive in every other way. And i don't try to better myself in that respect because i don't feel I'm worthy of it and that it will also confirm that it's just me.
It sucks, it does. And then, added to the fact that I've never kissed a guy, half of me is afraid that the guy is passing on some deadly disease to me ( usually my mind goes to HIV ) by kissing me. It just makes the prospect of it uncomfortable.
I want a husband, i want kids, i want a family, but i don't know if i will ever get it. And I'm terrified I'm going to settle because I'm desperate for it. I mean, you watch those people on the Obsessed shows and shows about anxiety and they have husbands and kids, and frankly, i get angry. Why them? Why not me? Am i so unlovable? I honestly don't know but it bothers me every day... I may write more on this another time, but it's getting a little blury over here...damn tears. Stay sane everybody.
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