Sunday, July 13, 2008
Off
Hi all. I forgot to mention i will be away for 9 days so i doubt I'll be posting but you never know. See you guys soon!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Vacation Anxiety ( get it? )
So before i get to the main post, i want to just share that the little thing on the side of my head that i thought was a tumor now hurts. Which leads me to believe its a pimple but I'm actually terrified it's not and will more that likely go to a doctor when i get home from vacation which normally i wouldn't do but the fact that its movable and now hurts is seriously freaking me out. Now to the vacation.
I'm going on a cruise on Sunday but tomorrow we are making an eight hour drive which is seriously freaking me out. I have an irrational fear of vomiting. When i was younger i slept in my parents room because it was closer to the bathroom. I mean it was bad, and it got better, manageable when i talked to a shrink, although it could also be age. But whenever my stomach hurts i ALWAYS freak that I'm going to throw up. And it's NOT just the fear of throwing up either.
It's the fear of doing it in public. I'm terrified of throwing up in front of people, you know not making it to the bathroom in my time. It's just irrational and stupid but consumes me. i have maybe two bags of mints a month since i pop them when i get a stomach ache since peppermint calms them. And the sugar causes cavities, but moving on.
So eight hours in a car and I'm TERRIFIED of throwing up or getting sick while in the car. It's irrational and stupid but it's all that's running through my head now. Well night.
I'm going on a cruise on Sunday but tomorrow we are making an eight hour drive which is seriously freaking me out. I have an irrational fear of vomiting. When i was younger i slept in my parents room because it was closer to the bathroom. I mean it was bad, and it got better, manageable when i talked to a shrink, although it could also be age. But whenever my stomach hurts i ALWAYS freak that I'm going to throw up. And it's NOT just the fear of throwing up either.
It's the fear of doing it in public. I'm terrified of throwing up in front of people, you know not making it to the bathroom in my time. It's just irrational and stupid but consumes me. i have maybe two bags of mints a month since i pop them when i get a stomach ache since peppermint calms them. And the sugar causes cavities, but moving on.
So eight hours in a car and I'm TERRIFIED of throwing up or getting sick while in the car. It's irrational and stupid but it's all that's running through my head now. Well night.
Monday, July 7, 2008
3 things today
So double fun, make that triple fun tonight!
1. I think i have some sort of joint disease. My wrist started hurting my last week and my thumb when i move them which idk isn't all that odd but now one side of jaw is KILLING ME which again not odd since i have TMJ and it does this every so often although this is the worst it's been. So i got it in my head that since i have 3 joints hurting me, something is seriously wrong with me and it's bugging me a lot since this is a real symptom that is kind of constant. But advil is helping so that means I'm not dying right?
2. There was a turtle in my backyard so after search for a pond to put him in ( he got a ride in my car, lucky reptile ) i found this muddy little one. I put him on the bank but he slid into the water and his head didn't come out and i was worried he was hurt so i put my hand in the water and pulled him out but the water was nasty so now since i had a tiny cut on my finger, I'm convinced I'm going to get flesh eating bacteria.
3. I'll get to 3 tomorrow, I'm honestly too stressed and running on too little sleep at the moment.
1. I think i have some sort of joint disease. My wrist started hurting my last week and my thumb when i move them which idk isn't all that odd but now one side of jaw is KILLING ME which again not odd since i have TMJ and it does this every so often although this is the worst it's been. So i got it in my head that since i have 3 joints hurting me, something is seriously wrong with me and it's bugging me a lot since this is a real symptom that is kind of constant. But advil is helping so that means I'm not dying right?
2. There was a turtle in my backyard so after search for a pond to put him in ( he got a ride in my car, lucky reptile ) i found this muddy little one. I put him on the bank but he slid into the water and his head didn't come out and i was worried he was hurt so i put my hand in the water and pulled him out but the water was nasty so now since i had a tiny cut on my finger, I'm convinced I'm going to get flesh eating bacteria.
3. I'll get to 3 tomorrow, I'm honestly too stressed and running on too little sleep at the moment.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
messed up
Hi guys. So I'll delve a little into the GAD stuff here for a moment since something happened today that caused a big panic attack. My mother, father, and myself were out at dinner and i guess before that the parents had been with friends who were mad at my dad that he was overweight and not doing anything to get healthy. So at dinner my mom says "so how much life insurance do you have now?" And she asked it quite a few times and wouldn't let up. So of course being as fucked up as my idiot brain is, i go to the out there thoughts.
My first thought was "she plans to kill him" which comes from NO WHERE. They love each so much it's sickening. I mean seriously they're like high school kids sometimes. But that is where my mind goes. And i told her to stop but she didn't listen. So i know at this point without a doubt i will not be able to trust her for at least a few weeks, maybe more. And then since we're going on a cruise next week, I'll be worried the whole time about my dad on the boat which sucks because i worry about my 18 year old brother on the boat getting hurt all the time so i try to stay up until he comes in the door.
And then in the car ride home, my mum was getting on my dad about his weight again and he was joking (which he does) and she got out of the car and instead of going straight ( where the garage is ) she heads right towards the front door, which isn't open. And i just freak. All those insane thoughts just fire off and I'm convinced she's done something to the car and is walking away from the car so she doesn't get hurt. I mean i had to jump out of the car and have myself a fan-fuckin-tastic panic attack FOR NO FUCKING REASON!
I mean i get annoyed with myself for thinking it and annoyed with my mom for still saying it knowing how i think and at the same time all i can think about is my dad dying and i feel bad for my mom that I'm thinkingthis about her. But i just can't help it. It's like a god-damn tumor attached to my common sense that just fires out asinine idiotic thoughts that get stuck there and don't go away. Sigh. It's a shitty way to live but i don't have a choice.
My first thought was "she plans to kill him" which comes from NO WHERE. They love each so much it's sickening. I mean seriously they're like high school kids sometimes. But that is where my mind goes. And i told her to stop but she didn't listen. So i know at this point without a doubt i will not be able to trust her for at least a few weeks, maybe more. And then since we're going on a cruise next week, I'll be worried the whole time about my dad on the boat which sucks because i worry about my 18 year old brother on the boat getting hurt all the time so i try to stay up until he comes in the door.
And then in the car ride home, my mum was getting on my dad about his weight again and he was joking (which he does) and she got out of the car and instead of going straight ( where the garage is ) she heads right towards the front door, which isn't open. And i just freak. All those insane thoughts just fire off and I'm convinced she's done something to the car and is walking away from the car so she doesn't get hurt. I mean i had to jump out of the car and have myself a fan-fuckin-tastic panic attack FOR NO FUCKING REASON!
I mean i get annoyed with myself for thinking it and annoyed with my mom for still saying it knowing how i think and at the same time all i can think about is my dad dying and i feel bad for my mom that I'm thinkingthis about her. But i just can't help it. It's like a god-damn tumor attached to my common sense that just fires out asinine idiotic thoughts that get stuck there and don't go away. Sigh. It's a shitty way to live but i don't have a choice.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Social Anxiety
So i know i said i had social anxiety in my first post but haven't talked about mainly because i don't really go into social situations. Let me state first of all that i have no friends. I have never had a close friend in my life and my "friends" in high school, i truly believe were using me. So it's not like i can call someone up and say hey I'm bored lets do something. Nobody to do it with. Not that i can go many places. And the other sad thing is, i'm used to being alone. It's the norm for me.
I'm 22 and have never been to a bar, or a club. They terrify me. I am convinced people are laughing at me, talking about me. I hear people laughing and i KNOW its about me. Even if they are across a room, i know it's about me. Those thoughts almost suffocate me, to the point where it feels like there is no air. My mind retreats in on itself and i just go numb to protect myself. It sucks.
On the other hand I'm convinced someone in a bar or club would try to hurt me, kill me, rape me. Everyone is a suspect in my mind. I don't trust people. Hell, i don't trust people i know, let alone strangers. So as you can imagine, it's insanely hard to meet people.
I mean i don't know if i will ever have a friend. I'm still at a loss as to how I'll ever get married. I'm 22 freakin years old, I've never had a boyfriend, or a kiss. It's sad. But even if i could meet someone, how would i ever be able to trust them? I don't know if i could. Sometimes i don't even trust my parents. I mean i used to check my cups because i was afraid they'd poisoned them! I mean how sick is that? In my mind, in the sane part anyways, i know its ridiculous but that lil' part that says otherwise is just enough to fuck me up.
Sigh, well I've depressed myself enough for one day lol. I will ask one semi-funny question to those of you who read this. Does anyone else with social anxiety find shy people annoying? lol. I think we need crazy outgoing people in our lives to pull us out of that shell. Or maybe it's just me. Until next time!
I'm 22 and have never been to a bar, or a club. They terrify me. I am convinced people are laughing at me, talking about me. I hear people laughing and i KNOW its about me. Even if they are across a room, i know it's about me. Those thoughts almost suffocate me, to the point where it feels like there is no air. My mind retreats in on itself and i just go numb to protect myself. It sucks.
On the other hand I'm convinced someone in a bar or club would try to hurt me, kill me, rape me. Everyone is a suspect in my mind. I don't trust people. Hell, i don't trust people i know, let alone strangers. So as you can imagine, it's insanely hard to meet people.
I mean i don't know if i will ever have a friend. I'm still at a loss as to how I'll ever get married. I'm 22 freakin years old, I've never had a boyfriend, or a kiss. It's sad. But even if i could meet someone, how would i ever be able to trust them? I don't know if i could. Sometimes i don't even trust my parents. I mean i used to check my cups because i was afraid they'd poisoned them! I mean how sick is that? In my mind, in the sane part anyways, i know its ridiculous but that lil' part that says otherwise is just enough to fuck me up.
Sigh, well I've depressed myself enough for one day lol. I will ask one semi-funny question to those of you who read this. Does anyone else with social anxiety find shy people annoying? lol. I think we need crazy outgoing people in our lives to pull us out of that shell. Or maybe it's just me. Until next time!
Friday, July 4, 2008
I'm not a great blogger
So i thought i had posted the past two days, i wrote stuff down, where it is, couldn't tell you... I'm a blogging virgin...give me a break lol. So i guess I'll recap the past two nights since i can't recall the other night.
Basically two nights ago, i was laying in my bed, and when I'm tired and trying to sleep ( i have insomnia ) i scratch my head. I know it's odd but it's just a habit. So i had my hand right above my right ear and i felt something. Now i actually knew it was there since i found it years ago. It's a little raised thing that when i touch it, i can move it. Like there's something under my skin that isn't attached right. Now since I've had it for years and it hasn't grown i should say "eh whatever" but you know, it's me so i can't.
I was convinced it was a tumor when i found it before, and I'm convinced it is again. Two nights ago it just freaked me out but last night i was running through scenarios in my head where i was being told i had a very short time left to live. And it wouldn't go away. I mean i SAW myself saying goodbye to people. It's a horrid feeling let me tell you. I honestly can't write much more since I'm freaking myself out more. I'm going to post a little later about my social anxiety since i haven't touched on it yet. Until then, stay sane.
Basically two nights ago, i was laying in my bed, and when I'm tired and trying to sleep ( i have insomnia ) i scratch my head. I know it's odd but it's just a habit. So i had my hand right above my right ear and i felt something. Now i actually knew it was there since i found it years ago. It's a little raised thing that when i touch it, i can move it. Like there's something under my skin that isn't attached right. Now since I've had it for years and it hasn't grown i should say "eh whatever" but you know, it's me so i can't.
I was convinced it was a tumor when i found it before, and I'm convinced it is again. Two nights ago it just freaked me out but last night i was running through scenarios in my head where i was being told i had a very short time left to live. And it wouldn't go away. I mean i SAW myself saying goodbye to people. It's a horrid feeling let me tell you. I honestly can't write much more since I'm freaking myself out more. I'm going to post a little later about my social anxiety since i haven't touched on it yet. Until then, stay sane.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
My "good" night
Welcome back! So i think I'll give you guys ( I'll never say y'all even though i moved to NC where its a requirement ) a bit of insight into my night last night which was a GOOD night by my convoluted standards. So I'm not sure if i mentioned but i have, and have had since all this started at 7, a huge fear of choking. Throat closing up, unable to breath, passing out and no one finding me until I'm dead fear. Although i try to stand when i have this issue so when i fall, I'll make a huge thump and people will hear. No seriously. Where was i, ah yes, my insanity. :)
Last night i was taking my pills ( i take meds for anxiety although they don't help all that much but trust me it's way worse without ) and i got to the first pill which happens to be the largest. Not like, holy crap this is the size of a small animal large, like Advil large. But i have an issue with big pills because of the swallowing. It took me YEARS to be able to swallow Advil. Ever see a girl go through a whole bottle of Advil and not swallow one? Very amusing after the fact. Sorry, lost the train there. So i go to take the pill, swallow and it feels like it gets stuck in my throat. Now I'm sure EVERYONE has swallowed a pill that was a little rough going down, but for me my mind processes it differently.
My first thought is, holy crap, I'm going to choke. When that doesn't happen but the feeling remains, i think ok it's stuck in my throat and I'm still going to choke. Apparently i think my throat has custom shelves inside that can hold things. My red blood cells have knick knacks i guess. So i swallow my other pills hoping it will push the pill down. Now in my mind i KNOW it's not stuck. But this little part of my brain says "what if it is" and that's what gets me every time. That "what if this time it's real" voice. So i freak out for around 40 minutes, swallow lots of water and have a mint hoping it will be ok. Obviously i was but this is what i go through. Hell, typing this now my throat is getting tight.
This was a good night though, I'd say comparatively. I thought someone had broken into our house when i heard a door slam ( big fear here that they will come in and kill me ) but once i heard my brother's door close i was better. Although my FIRST thought was the "intruder" was going to get my brother. I'm more afraid of someone breaking in and hurting them or getting me in my sleep. Because my anxiety flys out a window when it comes to them. I'll let you in on a secret : i have a plan for a robber.
No seriously i do, my stand up lamp in my room has a heavy base and it would be my weapon of choice if someone really did try to break in. Ok well, i think this rant has gone on longer than i wanted it to, until next time, keep sane :).
Last night i was taking my pills ( i take meds for anxiety although they don't help all that much but trust me it's way worse without ) and i got to the first pill which happens to be the largest. Not like, holy crap this is the size of a small animal large, like Advil large. But i have an issue with big pills because of the swallowing. It took me YEARS to be able to swallow Advil. Ever see a girl go through a whole bottle of Advil and not swallow one? Very amusing after the fact. Sorry, lost the train there. So i go to take the pill, swallow and it feels like it gets stuck in my throat. Now I'm sure EVERYONE has swallowed a pill that was a little rough going down, but for me my mind processes it differently.
My first thought is, holy crap, I'm going to choke. When that doesn't happen but the feeling remains, i think ok it's stuck in my throat and I'm still going to choke. Apparently i think my throat has custom shelves inside that can hold things. My red blood cells have knick knacks i guess. So i swallow my other pills hoping it will push the pill down. Now in my mind i KNOW it's not stuck. But this little part of my brain says "what if it is" and that's what gets me every time. That "what if this time it's real" voice. So i freak out for around 40 minutes, swallow lots of water and have a mint hoping it will be ok. Obviously i was but this is what i go through. Hell, typing this now my throat is getting tight.
This was a good night though, I'd say comparatively. I thought someone had broken into our house when i heard a door slam ( big fear here that they will come in and kill me ) but once i heard my brother's door close i was better. Although my FIRST thought was the "intruder" was going to get my brother. I'm more afraid of someone breaking in and hurting them or getting me in my sleep. Because my anxiety flys out a window when it comes to them. I'll let you in on a secret : i have a plan for a robber.
No seriously i do, my stand up lamp in my room has a heavy base and it would be my weapon of choice if someone really did try to break in. Ok well, i think this rant has gone on longer than i wanted it to, until next time, keep sane :).
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