The Plane ( and not so ) Simple Truth

So i recently made a trip by airline from North Carolina to Boston. Now for someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, airports are hell. Takeoff is hell. The flight itself is more purgatory than hell. Landing is hell. And the airport, again, is hell. So needless to say, I'm not a good flyer.

Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.

Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.

Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.

Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.

Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.

Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.

As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.

Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.